The depraved nature of my human heart has become so clear lately. The contents of my life, my job and career path, my marriage, my location, are all wonderful yet I’m still plagued with days of unhappiness, depression, and grumpiness. I have been so focused on what God has called me to do, so why do I feel so overwhelmed? When I began typing these words it all seemed so simple. The answer is that I need more Jesus. Isn’t that always the answer? Abiding in Him changes me, and as I do it more I realize how practical my God really is.
As I learn how to balance my life with my career, my heart has been convicted and tugged in these three directions lately:
1. Know My Calling
When someone asks me what I do, I say I’m a film composer who works for a more successful film composer. I’m working toward building my career in the business, I’m working toward my creative craft of composing, and I am working on networking, meeting people, and embedding myself in the industry. Usually, before I even realize it, I’ve spouted off a dozen things before once mentioning or thinking about God or HIS purpose for having me here. He put these desires and callings in my heart and allowed me to pursue such an exciting career. Why do I forget Him? When I realign myself I begin thinking about my job as a way to serve others, to love on others, and to share the gospel. I need the latter to define who I am, not the former. If I focus on the material I will only get burned out. During the past few weeks I have realized that I don’t know how to practically define myself aside from what I do for a living. This happens because I make my job the end and not the means to a greater end.
2. Know My Community
This one is hard for me. In moving around a lot during the last few years, and having a very solid foundation of relationships from back home, I struggle to quickly start friendships and open up to people. I am a very past-oriented person with frequent trips down memory lane into bouts of nostalgia. I still have a lot of close friends . . . they just live far away! It’s so easy to just stick with the status quo if I know I’m not going to live somewhere for long and when life is unpredictable. I convince myself that I’m fine without people around me who I’m close with. I have learned this lesson the hard way. It becomes all too easy to dump all my burdens on my husband, or to believe that the small talk I engage in with acquaintances at church constitutes the community I need. I have recently begun working toward having people in my life who know me so well they can speak into my life even when it’s uncomfortable. Life is too messy and complicated to do it all by yourself.
3. Know My Creator
I have been a Christian my whole life which, strangely enough, makes it easier for me to take the Lord for granted. I know He will always be with me and never forsake me, so by forsaking my daily walk with Him I miss out on all He has for me. I know there were several times in the past few years that He wanted me to learn and grow so much more than I did simply because I wasn’t talking to Him first about my problems, stresses, and even my joys and triumphs. If I don’t stay connected to Him I attribute my successes to myself, and my despair I blame on others or become depressed. I have been challenged recently to not talk to anyone about something before first talking to Him. What a hard thing to do! I hadn’t realized how much I thought I could do things on my own strength.
These are the things I’m focusing on to re-center my life to one of balance and peace in the midst of a life and career filled with unpredictability and stress.
How do you balance these things?