This is what I think of when I think of your story.
I think of Satan and God sitting at a bar. Satan is talking about how proud he is to have tricked you into prostitution. He even says he has turned your mind inside out so that you will never love God again. He is pleased with himself, not just because he has used you for evil intentions, but because he can see the pain on God’s face. Seeing God in pain is a way for Satan to feel big, much like how the bully in the schoolyard picks on the smaller kids. He is just compensating for his cowardice. He is trying to find ways to make the small, shriveled and pathetic being he is seem larger. And he must be looking at himself in a mirror holding a magnifying glass, because I think Satan sees himself as a giant. But he’s really just a nasty little bug standing in front of some projector that converts his image on a screen to make him appear terrifying, like the Wizard of Oz. His only power derives from the people who fall under his curse and carry out his stupid, nasty little ways. And I’m not really talking about everyone who has certainly messed up and hurt and been hurt. I’m talking about the murderers with malice in their hearts, the sexual abusers and the soldiers who use children as shields in open fire (to be more specific).
But Satan will never understand God, because if he understood Him, he would have to acknowledge how much greater and superior God is to him. God is not sitting there at the bar with his head in his hands in absolute pain because Satan is winning. He is in pain because you are losing. You are putting wounds on your heart and putting scars in your mind, and these wounds and these scars will confuse you and bring you so . . . much . . . pain. And God is in pain because you are in pain and because you have rejected him. Most people know unrequited love kills the appetite and makes the sky seem gray. Imagine your true love, the one you know you are meant to be with, does not return your love. Instead, she turns to something that eats her loveliness and spits it into a napkin. Satan never wanted you like a lover. He only wanted to use you in a way that would hurt the only one he is consumed with—God. Even in his rebellion, Satan’s actions still prove God is the most powerful, which is why Satan will always try and find a way to undermine God’s power. To do this, he goes for the heart.
Lucky for you, God is not discouraged. He may be grieving and living the nightmare with you, but he knows you are still his daughter. He has spoken the words “I forgive you” during every misstep you have taken. He repeats it, over and over. Maybe you’ll hear this time and believe him. He has already created an elaborate plan to rescue you, and the first and most important measure starts with your heart. He must win your heart. No matter how impressive and creative his strategy is for winning you back, he knows it all comes down to your acceptance. He must hope for your acceptance like a woman who accepts a marriage proposal. God has awesome power, but he has no power to make you love him, so when you finally do say “yes” to him, and he can be with his true love, imagine how a God who has control of the universe must feel when he receives the one thing he cannot take for himself? What a wonderful way to make the gift of our hearts matter so much to him, because the truth is, he must hold himself back and restrain himself from the one thing that matters most. How strange it is to my mind, but my heart knows God doesn’t just love us. He is in love with us. Thank you, Jesus.
Time has passed, and God has pulled you from the miry pit and placed you on a rock. You are still in shock from the transition from your old life to the new one, and the little bug named Satan laughs with his voice that sounds like Mickey Mouse on helium. He says to God at the bar, “Look, she’s not really yours. Look at the mistakes she’s still making.” The bug sits and pats himself on the antennae. However, this time, God knows the mistakes you are still bound to make. He knows the guilt you still carry on your shoulders. But he also knows you are not the same anymore. You are his, striving to be with him as you heal, stretch and grow in your recovery. The wounds on your heart are beginning to heal, and the scars in your mind are beginning to fade. It might be a couple years, but the little bug who still thinks he has won the game because he has succeeded in degrading you does not have the same measure of grace or understanding like God. If Satan did understand the truth behind grace and forgiveness, he would probably explode. He is only a tiny bug after all.
Now you are coming to the part where God takes the horror and turns it into something beautiful. Women will look at your face and see compassion, and there will be a beauty you have that helps others to recognize their own. You are still recovering from the trauma and learning to cope in your new freedom, but the little bug named Satan is gradually shrinking, and God’s love is overpowering.
You have traveled to the darkest corners of despair and have seen what very few and God have seen. Your experience and your eyes will never be the same again. Everything you feel will be magnified, for your sorrow has expanded you and deepened you. Satan, the little bug, will rejoice in his ill-conceived victories. One day he will be disappointed when he faces reality. God has a plan, and he is shaping you and using every part of you to fulfill that plan.